I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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