genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
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Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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