i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
