i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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