Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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