my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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