just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
