I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
His nipple licking is glorious
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