You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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