Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
