Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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