I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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