Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
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I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
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... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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