I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
