her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
