Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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