They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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