I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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