I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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