I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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