erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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