Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
