The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
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I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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