So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
