when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
