Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
