Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
