because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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