some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
