I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
