just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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