mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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