I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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