May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
