I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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