Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
