i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
