Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
