Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
