I could make wine with my vomit
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
