I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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