Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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