Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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