I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
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Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
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I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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