Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
