Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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