you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heâ€™s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes