I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize