Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
