All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
