I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
we have pet lesbian snakes
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
