i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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