sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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