I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
