You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
