it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
