you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
