I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
