I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
