I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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