the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
